A Matter of Fact

By: Alexandra Courtenay

It is easy to feel like you do not matter. To have sinking thoughts that no one likes you, peers find you annoying, and people simply do not want you around. These are only thoughts – however, your heart speeds up and your hands become clammy. You feel awkward, unwanted, and downright ugly. The label “outsider” scrolls along the mind. Anxiety clouds the mind and it is hard to have rational thoughts.
Humans have an ongoing battle if they matter or not. Sometimes becoming a member of something can create a high. It is a drug when people are validated for who they are and what they do. Pleasing others to feel included can be an addiction. You become someone; a leader, a follower, a member, a friend… no matter the label, you have a name for yourself. All of a sudden, some people “matter” more than others. Enemies arise – in some cases, violence and killings occur. The people who matter (your own) need to be defended.

Walking in the Alley (full/empty) - Bogside

Bloody Sunday Mural 

When we walked down the alley where some shooting on Bloody Sunday occurred, I could not shake some questions: Did those people who ran for their lives not matter? Did they matter more in death than life? I have come to the conclusion that they mattered. Of course, they mattered. They mattered significantly. However, in that moment, victim and attacker, they did not have value.

I personally have an ongoing issue with self-worth. I have learned through my journey that my life is not necessarily mine. Not that I do not think for myself or am owned by anyone. I mean that my actions affect the world – a ripple effect that weakens as it goes out into the world. As a reader, I bet "conceded" or "self-centered" pops into your head. Please, bare with me for a little longer, I have a point. A single decision or an option can change someone’s life that could affect family, friends, even strangers, etc. It’s those choices that could alter other people’s choices and so on and so on. I found that I was making decisions to make other people happy and I neglected my own feelings. I felt like I did not matter; I would draw back, stay quiet, and fear that I was disliked. My way of negative thinking was not productive - I was addicted to wanting people to like me.

It is a hard concept to wrap my mind around the fact that people killed others because they did not agree or like them. I found it interesting to hear on the tour in Belfast that people on opposite sides found their people innocent and vice verse. Some lives started mattering more than others. I think that the continuous path to peace in Northern Ireland and the world needs to have dialogue to build self-worth and believing people matter. I know, this is wishful thinking - but wishful thinking can sometimes be productive.